Not in the Mood: Too Tired, Angry
Complaint: "I'm Not in the Mood"
There's a bulging grab bag of reasons why your libido could be flagging, including fatigue, boredom, and low testosterone, the male hormone that experts suspect may contribute to a woman's
sex drive, too.
Because I'm too tired
No matter what causes it--insomnia, working the late shift, a new baby--exhaustion is no aphrodisiac. All you want to do in your bed is sleep. How do you perk up your love life when you're
anything but perky?
Make the time
"How important is sex and, because they're related, how important is your marriage?" asks Janet Hyde, PhD, a professor of psychology and women's studies at the University of
Wisconsin-Madison. "Everyone says they're busy. But my husband and I make time for sex. Things that are important should come first." So, turn off Law & Order and turn each other on. If you
have to, says Hyde, make a date that morning so you both can think about it--and each other--all day.
Do it after exercise
For some people, exercising too close to bedtime makes it hard for them to sleep. Take advantage of that found energy. "After 35 to 40 minutes of moderate exercise, everything in your body
is going right," says Hyde. "Your blood is circulating, your nervous system is firing, so scheduling sex right after you exercise makes for good sex."
Compromise
If your partner comes on to you after a particularly grueling day, you're likely to get angry because he doesn't see how exhausted you are, says Marianne Brandon, PhD, cofounder, with
Andrew Goldstein, MD, of the Sexual Wellness Center in Annapolis, MD.
If you reject him, he's likely to get needy and press you more, or leave you alone, feeling isolated. "Offer a compromise," recommends Brandon, also the coauthor, with Goldstein, of
Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido. "There are things you can do for your partner other than
intercourse that are less draining but still satisfying, such as oral sex or holding or caressing him while he masturbates."
Because I'm angry with you
Relationship problems are often the uninvited trois in your ménage. "Some disputes between partners are disguised as sexual problems," says Leonore Tiefer, PhD, a clinical
associate professor of psychiatry at New York University School of Medicine and author of Sex Is Not a Natural Act. "It's easier to say, 'I'm not interested' or 'I have a headache,'
when the truth is, 'I'm mad at you.'"
Some problems may be serious enough to warrant couples therapy (if there's an infidelity issue, for example). But if your problems are garden-variety and don't make you wonder why you ever
took up with him in the first place, don't try to deal with them by shutting down sexually. If you do, you'll both end up suffering.
Use words
"Women often use sex as a way of communicating their anger," says Brandon. "Communicate with words as opposed to behavior." Let your partner know that you want to talk about something
important. "If he doesn't have advance warning, he may feel blindsided," she says. "You can say, 'There's something going on. I want to talk about it and get your thoughts. What's a good
time?'" Pick a time when you won't be interrupted, i.e., when the kids are asleep.
Listen
Pay attention to what your partner is saying--don't use the time while he's talking to think up a snappy rebuttal. Remember, you're trying to reach consensus, not win. And don't expect an
immediate resolution, says Brandon. "What's important is to stay in touch so no one feels isolated. You need an ongoing dialogue."
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