Not Having Fun: Not Having Orgasms
Complaint: "I'm Not Having Fun"
There are a number of reasons why you may not be enjoying sex. For one, there's no payoff, no "big O." Or more likely, you don't have orgasms as often as you'd like. The other problem:
pain.
Because I don't have orgasms (or have them rarely)
If this is you, you may be surprised to learn that most women don't have orgasms during intercourse. "The majority of women have trouble reaching orgasm from penis-vagina intercourse," says
Hyde. "It's not the most efficient way to stimulate the clitoris, which is what women need." Here's what to do.
If you never have orgasms...
The best way to get them started is by giving them to yourself through masturbation, suggests Hyde. It will help you experience the sensation and learn what--and where--works for you.
Experts, including Hyde, recommend sex therapist Lonnie Barbach's book For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality as the best self-help manual for getting in
touch--literally--with your own feelings.
If you only have orgasms sometimes...
Do you only have orgasms during oral or manual stimulation? "You may be setting unrealistic goals for yourself by expecting to have them during intercourse," says Hyde. "If you can orgasm
from oral-genital sex, why worry?"
Get educated
"Look for advice books that aren't medically focused," suggests Tiefer. (We typed sex for women into the Amazon.com search box and got more than 78,000 hits.) There are also Web
sites that Tiefer recommends like Betty Dodson, Toys in Babeland, or Eve's Garden. (Be prepared: They're racy enough to get snagged in your Internet controls.) "The ultimate," says Tiefer, "is to have
a group discussion with other women. Sign a confidentiality pact, agree to meet once a month, and candidly share your experiences with one another. You could even make it a book group. Pick
a book and discuss it. It can be an icebreaker for building rapport."
Check your pillbox
Any antidepressants in there? Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI), a class of drugs that includes Prozac and Zoloft, "are probably the number one cause of anorgasmia [inability
to have an orgasm]," says Goldstein. They short-circuit your pleasure center by decreasing levels of the brain chemical dopamine (one of the sexual triumvirate, along with estrogen and
testosterone). "People on SSRIs can lack that full range of emotion. They don't get very depressed about anything, but they don't get very excited about anything, either," says
Goldstein.
If that zombielike feeling is torpedoing your love life, ask your doctor to switch you to Wellbutrin, a drug that raises dopamine levels (preliminary studies show it may improve sexual
desire in nondepressed women). One con: Wellbutrin can cause anxiety, which is common in depressed people. If you're taking a shorter-acting SSRI, such as Zoloft or the
serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor Effexor, you may be able-with your doc's okay-to take a short drug holiday. "If you don't take it Friday morning, on Friday night and Saturday
you can have intercourse and have an orgasm," says Goldstein.
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